Friday, June 9, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Tuesday, April 4, 2006
A Fish Story
wanna loose weight?
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.
Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think.
"God, I was so! close to catching her. If I had a little more time... So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."
"No problem," says the manager.
Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, "If I catch you, you're mine."
Company Policy
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise .
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Monday, March 27, 2006
PAANO PATAYIN ANG BUBULE!!!
Walong taon pa lamang ang edad ay ibig nang matutong manligaw ni Boy at nanay niya ang inurirat, na ang sabi'y magtago na lamang siya sa likod ng kanilang kurtina at panoorin sa gabi ng araw na iyon ang pagliligawan ng ate niya't nobyo nito.
Kinaumagahan ay inusisa si Boy ng kanyang nanay sa kung ano ang mga nasilip niya at natutunan.
"Sa umpisa po, " kuwento ni Boy, "ay nagligawan lang ang dalawa. Kanilang pinatay ang ilaw at dim light lang ang iniwang buhay sa salas.
"Nagyakapan at naghalikan pero sumama ang pakiramdam ni ate. Nag-iba kasi ang itsura ng mukha, eh. "Kaya ipinasok ng nobyo ang kamay nito sa blusa ni ate at parang doktor na pinakiramdaman ang puso nito.
"Pero tangang doktor! Ang tagal nagkakapa ng kamay ay hindi alam kung saang lugar naroon ang puso!
"Hindi nagtagal ay nagkahawahan na sila ng sakit. Pareho nang hihingal-hingal.
"Inilagay ng nobyo ang kamay nitong may sinat sa loob ng palda ni ate. Para mainitan, dahil nag-alis pa muna ito ng panty.
"Lalong naging grabe si ate. Nangapos ang hininga,nanigas ang mga paa, at halos mapahiga't magkandahulog sa pagkakaupo.
"Iyon ang kataasan ng lagnat. Dahil sabi ni ateng nangangatog, umuungol at tumitirik ang mga mata'y kinikilig na raw siya.
"Kaya pala sumama ang pakiramdam ng nobyo'y dahil may nakapasok na bubule rito. Umalpas sa harap ng pantalon nito! "Gusto pang tumakas ng papalag-palag na bubule, pero dinakma ni ate at walang-takot na kinagat sa ulo.
"Ngunit iniluwa rin, dahil siguro'y gumanti ng kagat ang nakasubong bubule. "Para hindi na makapangagat uli ay hinawakan ng nobyo ang bubule at may isinaklob sa ulo nito. "Si ate naman ay humiga sa sofa at itinaas ang kanyang mga paa para pitpitin sa pagitan ng mga nakabukaka niyang hita ang ulo ng bubule.
"Pati ang nobyo'y dinapaan ang bubule, na nanlabang mabuti nang ito'y pagpilitang patayin ng dalawa nang papisa sa pagitan nila!
"Pikit ang matang sinalubong ng dikdik ni ate ang makasira-ng-sofa'ng bayo ng nobyo roon sa iniipit nilang bubule.
"Kalaunan ay natahimik ang dalawa, walang kakilus-kilos at humihinga na nang maayos.
"Nang tumayo ang nobyo'y patay na ang bubule. Nakalungayngay at sabog ang sumambulat na lamanloob.
"Pagod ang dalawa sa matinding laban pero nag-umpisa uli sila sa pagliligawan, pagyayapusan at paghahalikan. Aba'y nabuhay na namang unti-unti ang bubule!
"Parang pusa na siyam ang buhay!
"Dito mabilis na tumayo si ate, hinawakan at inupuan ang bubule, para siya mismo ang pumatay.
"Pagkatapos ng matagal na namang labanan ay namatay na nang tuluyan ang bubule.
"Sigurado po, " sabi pa ni Boy.
"Dahil tinanggal pa ng nobyo ang balat ng bubule, at pagkatapos ay binuhusan ng tubig doon sa inidoro!"
Tulalang mahima-himatay sa narinig ang nanay.
IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE, YOU ARE NOT A TAGALOG SPEAKING FILIPINO
IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE, YOU ARE NOT A TAGALOG SPEAKING FILIPINO
Use DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DEFEAT, and DETAIL in a sentence.
DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE, first DEFEAT and then DETAIL.
Use DEPOSIT in a sentence.
I hear dripping in the sink. I think DEPOSIT is leaking.
Use DEVASTATION in a sentence.
Every morning I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION.
Use PAUL four times in a sentence.
PAUL, be carePAUL, you might PAUL in the swimming PAUL.
Use CUISINE in a sentence.
I hope you studied last night because our teacher might give a CUISINE math.
Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in a sentence.
At the gas station, some people PAMPERS and some PAPERS.
Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
(phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING?
Use AFFECT in a sentence.
Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.
Use ADIEU in a sentence.
If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.
Use DECANTER in a sentence.
You can order that medicine over DECANTER.
Use DEFLATE in a sentence.
Can you please wash DEFLATE for me?
Use DELETION in a sentence.
The balat of DELETION is crispy.
Use DESPISE in a sentence.
Who baked all DESPISE?
Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a sentence.
I am looking for DIFFERENT of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL consent so he can go to the picnic
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
The Lat Dish
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"
Just for Laughs
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Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"
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Bisaya 1: " Gara ng kutsi, siguro kay Miyur iyan."!
Bisaya 2: " Dili bay!"
Bisaya 1: " Kay Hipi?"
Bisaya 2: " Tuntu ka man. Kay FATHER iyan. Gisulat niya sa likud o, "'SAFARI'."
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Misis: " Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko kasi dinala niya ang limang anak namin."
Radio Host: " Ok, go ahead!"
Misis: " Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa lang naman ang sa iyo diyan!"
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Hello! Heto na naman ako. Gulung-gulo ulit ang isip ko. May nais lang sana akong itanong sa inyo. Alam ko matutulungan niyo ako Ang BIRDS FLU ba ay past tense ng BIRDS FLY?
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Nakasakay ka sa FX, ng ikaw ay mautot. Buti na lang malakas ang tugtog. Bawat pag-utot, sabay sa tugtog. Nang ikaw ay bumaba, ang sasama ng tingin nila sa iyo, bigla mong naalala...naka Walkman ka pala!
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WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako.
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Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin!
Wife: ha? Bakit?
Lasing: kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ako ng ! banyo eh.
Wife: punyeta ka! ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!
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1st nig ht lola wore see thru dress, lolo didn't react...
2nd night lola wore t-back, lolo still deadma...
3rd night lola all naked, lolo said "anu yan suot mo, gusot-gusot!!"
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AMO: sagutin mo ang telepon inday!
INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo?
AMO: baligtarin mo!
INDAY: lohi? lohi?
AMO: telepon ang baligtarin mo!
INDAY : Puntili, puntili
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Juan: bday ng asawa ko
Pedro: ano regalo mo?
Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
P: ano naman sinabi?
J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
P: ano binigay mo?
J: Baraha.
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Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ko ng hearing aid. Grabe! ang linaw na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang
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Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
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Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw hindi na.
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KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala parin siya!
Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya."
